When working with a difficult person starts to cost you
Some of the best frameworks happen in the moment ...
This new framework came out of a coaching session with an individual who was struggling to work with a 'difficult' colleague. I grabbed a piece of paper and mapped out what was really going on.
What we discussed is that most of us move between being functional, operating with tolerance and healthy adjustment and slipping into dysfunction, where we start compromising ourselves, feeling drained, and eventually burning out.
The real shift happens when we move beyond healthy adjustment into compromising ourselves. That is when we cross into dysfunction, and that is where psychological distress, illness or even psychological injury can occur.
The key insight was that what often pushes us there is taking too much responsibility for the other person's behaviour. We twist ourselves inside out trying to fix things that are not ours to fix and in doing so, we lose connection with our own values and balance.
However, also a key insight, is a totally contradictory and competing reason we might move from functional to dysfunctional - sometimes the person is not actually difficult at all. It is our interpretation of their behaviour, shaped by our own stress, biases or expectations, that leads us to label them as 'difficult'. Once that happens, we risk falling into the same unhelpful pattern of overcompensation.
So the question to ask ourselves is:
1. Has this relationship pushed me into compromising myself?
If the answer is yes, there is important follow-up:
2. Am I here because I am taking too much responsibility for the other person's behaviour? Or am I here because I am misinterpreting their behaviour as difficult?
Whatever the answer, you have the power to choose how you respond before even asking the other person to change. This new framework will not apply to all situations, but it may give rise to a new way of seeing a situation.
However, on the flip-side, I totally get it. It is much more fun to blame the other person, label them as difficult and do nothing except expect them to change. But as always, what is fun is not necessarily helpful and it is rarely the secret to our success - bugger!!!
